One Hell of A Week

     For those of you following along on my journey, you may have gotten the impression that everything about this has been horrible and I am hating it. Well that's really not true. I have to say i LOVE my doctors and the support staff there. As of right now I am out on disability. Yes for being too fat! Can you believe it? Well it was interfering with my job, falling asleep at my desk, disheveled appearance from sweating on the walk into the office, etc. It was being brought up to me by my supervisors and they didn't want to see me being written up or worse. My doctors agreed and off on disability I went.
    My full time job now has been weight loss. The doctors were extremely concerned about my health. The stress i was living with everyday about worrying about losing my job and being sick was too much and pushed my normally not too bad blood pressure into the HOLY CRAP zone. I went from 140/82 to 185/105 in a few short weeks. Before I left the doctors office they  wanted me to speak to the nutritionist in their office to put me on their pre-op diet. I need to lose a significant amount of weight before they will even schedule the surgery. She was out that day but they made her call me on her day off to get this ball rolling.
     That evening i got a phone call from her and she was going over the new diet for me. I am sorry WHAT ?? I must have heard her wrong. You want me to replace two meals with protein shakes? I can only eat one meal a day and absolutely no starch with it? This was a nightmare for me. She said we needed to be very aggressive with the approach to help safe my life. Well how can I argue with that, I mean I am very important. So hear was how things were going to go. I had to go out and get a high protein low calorie protein shake mix and replace two meals a day with it. The third meal should be large salad and about 5 ounces of lean protein, turkey, chicken or fish(yeah right). No fish for me thank you. No snacks unless i absolutely need them. Well it turns out I absolutely needed them. However they were just that 2 small snacks a day like a handful of nuts or a fiber one bar.
       How was I going to do this? Doesn't she know I am addicted to food? But I had to try this and give it my all. I finally understood that this was my last chance. If i failed this i would slowly become someone  not ambulatory and eventually become bed ridden like the people i couldn't understand just a short time ago. The first couple of days were not that bad at all. I chalk that up to the excitement of trying something new. The shakes are pretty damn tasty too, chocolate of course. Everyone at home made it easier too. My partner Gus was doing it with me and my mom was not cooking and tried not to eat much in front of me. I told them both they did not have to restrict themselves because of me but they insisted. I must say this kind of support is more that anyone could ask for. It turns out what would bother me the most is the craving for food. Not being hungry, but just wanting to eat. I guess after a lifetime of eating whatever you wanted your mind gets use to the idea. I have found that chewing gum helps some. Not much but a little anyway and any tool i can use I will. Little did I know my biggest temptation was to come in the form of something small. My eight year old nephew!!!
      The other day, I was watching my 8 yo nephew and asked if he wanted me to make him lunch. He decided on Mac & Cheese, you know from the famous blue box. I made it for him and thought my God this smells good. I haven't had pasta or cheese in a few days and DAMN IT i want some. I held strong put half of it in his bowl and he had about 3 spoonfuls of it and was done. Now i had the task of throwing everything away and cleaning up. I sat in the chair in the living room afraid to even enter the kitchen. I knew i would lose control and there would be nothing to throw away anymore. I sent a 911 text to Gus, HELP FOOD EMERGENCY ..!! Well after some encouraging words from him i gathered all my strength and went into the kitchen. Now here is where i should tell you i was amazing and threw it all away with strength and poise. Mmmm weeellll thats not exactly how it happened. I knew i could not eat it all but i did want a taste. So I took one spoonful just to taste it and then threw it away. I proved to myself i could eat some and control myself from devouring everything in the kitchen like some sci-fi horror villain.
     So now my first week on the restrictive diet is coming to a close I am feeling a little better and moving more. So i decided to take a drive and get some exercise in my brother and sister in laws pool. My knee's tend to hurt when I to do much so i figured water would be the best place for me. It was a pretty chilly way to start the morning but after a while it was great and got a good workout in.

From here it was off to the weight watchers office. I wanted to weigh in and see how well this diet was working. I was hoping for a good number but preparing myself for a reality check. i was snacking on the nuts and bars throughout the week and i had that spoonful of processed crap in a box. So whatever happens I was going to be prepared. Well i was not prepared to hear that i had lost 20 pounds in one week! 20 pounds !!!!! Are you kidding me? What was I on the Biggest Loser? I was all smiles. This one little piece of news has made the past few weeks all worth it. The nightmare of the sleep study, the cancer scare even the hoops i have to jump through to get the surgery approved. 20 pounds is a small drop in a big big bucket but its a start.
     So all in all it was a great week. lost some weight and took out 4 tests all in one day at the hospital. Actually i was in and out of there in under 3 hours you cant beat that at all. Blood work, urinalysis, chest x-ray and ultrasound of legs all in 3 hours. P.S. legs are fine no blood clots in them at all. Next obstacle, Family Party 4th of July weekend. Yikes!! Stay tuned.

When fat becomes sick

I know i am fat, i have been fat for 25 years. However i am not one of those people who was always fat, if you look back at pictures of me as a kid you wont see a chubby little 7 yo looking for more birthday cake. See ...

My weight came on around puberty. That's a blog for another time. So although not always fat i know i am. But i was always amazed at the people I saw on TV that were bed ridden and wore sheets as haute couture. Didn't they see this coming? They must have... Well I am here to tell you it can happen and it is very very sneaky. Doctors say high blood pressure is the silent killer, wrong its obesity.
    For most of my adult life I have been fat, but quite functional. Yes, there were things i could not do anymore that i wanted to do or really enjoyed but I was still healthy. However last year while i was trying to lose weight the old fashioned way of exercising, I had a hernia ulcerate. One of the worst pains I have ever felt in my entire life. I then had to have emergency surgery to correct. That I did and recovered, however during the recovering process, the weight started to come back on. Slowly, I didn't even notice. Until i started to get tired from washing my own hair. Should I be out of breath from showering???? When did getting dressed cause me to sweat?? Oh my god! When did i go from being fat to being SICK? Walking, even the littlest walk from a car to store, became a challenge. Do you know how embarrassing it is to have your friends want to go shopping with you and you tell them you have to wait in the car because your back starts to hurt before you even get out through the parking lot?
    Well I am not going to take this, No Sir! My job has a gym I will just go back and take some of this weight off like I used to be able to do. No big deal right?? Wrong!. I got to the gym one evening, two work friends were already there. I got on the treadmill and walked about 30 seconds before i knew this was a big mistake. Sweat already forming on my head. Shame starting to form in my soul. I cant get off I JUST got on. What will everyone think? After 3 minutes it didn't matter my body was screaming I had to get off or i would fall off. I would have to think of an excuse, or just hang around and try and sneak out when no one was looking. No such luck. However I have to say my friends at work were great, they pushed me a little to try and get me back on a bike, but when they saw me struggle to even get on it they backed down. So know i just had to leave without looking anyone else in the eyes. That was when I realized just how easy it is to go from fat to sick and not even realize it. in the past few months i have felt my self getting sicker. Falling asleep at work from lack of sleep due to apnea. Giving up on exercise because it is too difficult to move such a large body. So now I understand those people who need to be cut out of the house. What I do not understand is why they let it continue.
      I will not be that person. This is why I decided the weight loss surgery had to happen. My life will not become a made for TV special. But it will be special, that i will guarantee. Come follow along...

The Concert

Back in the late 1990's, I want to say '97 or '98, my father and my (maternal) uncle were both diagnosed with Small Cell Carcinoma of the lungs. Lung cancer to you and me. At the time my parents, my brother and his family and I all lived in a big house together. Two of my nephews were born but were still pretty young, 3 & 5. Well they couldnt say cancer but they said that grampa had "the concert". A little over 2 years later and just over 24 hours apart from each other, they passed away. They lost their battle with the concert.

They are still missed to this very day.
          For the past 2 1/2 weeks I have had a little voice in the back of my mind. "Do I have it? Do I have the concert too?"  I didnt think I did. I didnt feel sick. But as i sat in that doctors office waiting for my initial visit I had to ask myself, how many people sat here asking themselves the same question to only to really be sick. Perhaps this was the last doctors office they wold ever have to visit again. I am sure many thought the same thing. "This has got to be a mistake."
      Well for my friends and family that I have not spoken to yet, for me, it WAS a mistake. The doctors dont think its anything to serious. they will continue to watch my blood and white blood cell counts but he has cleared me, at least for his part, for the procedure. One less hurdle and big sigh of relief. As much as I love music, this was once concert I am glad I missed.
                                                 RIP George Walters and Frank Granger

Two out of three aint bad...

Hello All,
     I know its been a while since my last post and I have had a few dr.s visits since then so I have been neglectful. So sorry :-). So i have been to 3 different providers (insurance jargon), I mean doctors. Actually one nutritionalist, one psychologists and one doctor. The experiences were mixed I actually enjoyed my visits with the nutionalist and the pyschologists. I must like to talk or something. Go figure! With both of these professionals we spoke about what to expect, what the diet would be like before and after surgery. What fears I had, what vitamin supplements I would need. All very pleasant and sociable, then the clouds started to gather. Now I was not going to write about the last doctors visit until I had all the results back and I was sure what was going on. However I wanted the documentation of this process to be as honest as possilble and to be honest I an nervous. No, I am scared ! Now, must people you asked would probably not know I am feeling this way because I do a good job of keeping a positive outlook. So hear it goes.
     Let me take you back almost 10 years ago when I had an emergency appendectomy. Perhaps a second chapter in my blog.;-). The surgery went well. It was done laparoscopically so healing would be quicker and I could get out of there in time to attend our yearly Halloween Party. You cant keep a good partier down!! Oh YES you can! Turns out my white blood cell count was still very high and not coming down to "normal" levels. I was in the hospital for 7 days, missed the party. But dont fret for me, some of my more caring relatives thought of me and called me from the party to tell me how much fun they were having. Thoughtful, right ? HMMPH.. Well after seeing countless physicians they decided there was nothing more to do and I just might have a  high WBC count. So I know all about this and everytime a physician asks I say I just have a high WBC count. Well the doctors at the Bariatric Center wanted me cleared and seen by a hematologist. Ok , no big deal thats a blood doctor not too scary, until I realized the actual specialty of hematologists is actually Hematolagy/Oncology. Now that's scary.
      So I go to my appointment and the tech asks me if my blood pressure is usually that high, I turn around to ass 196/98. I actually laughed to myself. I said no its no where near that high but as you might realize I an VERY NERVOUS. She then prepares me for what I think is one of the meanest procedures they do to people, the finger stick. I know its quick but they hurt. So i go into the room and wait for the doctor. now i know people say it felt like I waited for every for him blah blah blah, but I REALLY did wait a long time. The doc even apologized for the wait. I think i nodded off twice waiting for him. At first things started of pretty good I was optomistic. He said the levels were a little high but not really alarming and the percentages were actually in the normal range. Then came the big BUT  and not like a Sir Mix-A-Lot song. he wanted to rule out one thing that has some of the same symptons and people my age can have. C.M.L. or Chronic Myeloid Leukemia. I am sorry WHAT ?? I just want weight loss surgery !! How did we come to this?? Not to worry its very treatable. Not to worry?? Easy for you to say. So now what ? He says he wants to rule it out with blod tests and if the are inconclusive he can also rule it out with a bone marrow biopsy. OOO forget that, If i thought a finger prick hurt I would never survive a bine marrow test.
       So now I am waiting and sometimes I get scared. Its a lot to think about and worry. But I calm myself down by saying I have had this high WBC count for 10 years now and not a sign of being sick. So I am sure things will work out, I guess I am just worried the tests will be inconclusive and he will want the biopsy. Guess I will deal with that if it comes. For now, I have to wait until June 1st, That is my next appointment with him. Fingers Crossed.

A peaceful nights sleep

Well taking a look at my calendar you would think I was rock star with all the appointments i have in the next two weeks. Unfortunately they are all doctors appointments!. YUCK
     Since i posted last I have had a couple of things done i can check off my ever growing list of prerequisites i need for the surgery. The first thing was the sleep study test. Which, I would NEVER recommend. First of all the appointment is at 9 pm so i spend my entire day thinking about this upcoming event instead of enjoying a beautiful mothers day BBQ we had at the house. I get to the facility after a brief dispute with my GPS, on time and proceed to introduce myself to Doogie Howser tech that will be monitoring me for the night. So he proceeds to tell me what will happen and mark my head and face for the wires, this one does that , that one does this, who cares!! This one will let me know if your sleeping or awake. "Who are you, Santa?", I asked him. Well we got a laugh from the kid on that one. Now come the wires !! Now i am no fool, I realized i was going to be strapped in and have wires attached but i was NOT prepared for the actual number of wires i had on me. I looked like some 1950's B movie version of a robot or a bad Lady Gaga outfit. They were all over my head and chest and throat so moving was not an option. I got into bed and wherever i landed is where i was going to stay. It was explained to me that i would be monitored for 2 hours and if i was having apnea's i would be woken to put on a mask. Che Right !! I explained to Doogie(who's real name was Darwin) that i tried the mask once before and hated every second. Evidently he had to try it to make his bosses happy so i said fine i will try it for as long as possible. Off to bed I go. No i am laying there hot, confined and in a strange place, sounds peaceful huh? i obviously did not fall right to sleep but thought about 6 am and how much i wanted it to be here(that was checkout time). Well next thing i knew it was time to go to the bathroom. Now peeing at night is bothersome anyway, you wake up have to go then try to fall back asleep. Now try having to call for Darwin and wait for him to hear you and come disconnect your wire pack from the base. Then he handed me the back and the 50-70 wires all hanging in front of me and off i went. Now i will not get graphic here but believe me when i say going to the bathroom entwined in wires was quite a lesson in humility and embarrassment and something i never want to experience again. I just kept thinking is all of this really worth it?? Is it ? I guess I will let you know. So if going to the bathroom that time wasn't bad enough i wound up having to go 2 more times through the course of the night each time was worse than the other. Now the first time I went it was 12:15 am and Darwin said i needed to try the mask. I am not sure if anyone reading this every tried on a sleep apnea mask but i hate it. I am claustrophobic and this mask creates a seal over your mouth and nose and is tightly snapped on by large ban across the back of your head and forces air into your mouth. I only have two words for that.. Panic Attack. I had to pull it off my face as far as i could to speak and tell him to get it off. Hey you tried kiddo, you're bosses will be proud but this is not for me. So i go back to bed get up for my second pee its 2:30 am damn you elusive 6 am. So know i am laying in bed thinking ok i went to the bathroom at 2:30 it has to almost be 5 am. I look at my phone to see its only 3:15. My heart sank as i lay in that murphy bed thinking this night has to come to an end soon. finally for the third bathroom its after 4:30 ok this is good we are in the home stretch. I get back to bed and proceed to watch the clock countdown to 6. Ok Darwin where are you? Finally i call for him at 6:10 and he comes in to remove me from my electrical prison. All i want to do is get out of there and go home and take a shower. as the last of the electrodes come off i realize my head looks like something that survived the Exxon Valdez spill. Large gross lumps of "glue" as he called them but were really extra thick clumps of grease. I was never more happy to see my house and shower than i was that monday morning. Now foolish I thought i would be able to go to work that day since after all i was just going to be sleeping the night before, right ?? I am sure you guessed i called in sick and slept the entire day away.
       My next adventure was much more sedate, it was the weight loss surgery seminar which i am required to attend. This showed me all the benefits to the different surgeries and i think i have picked the right one. I am going with the Sleeve Gastrectomy. It is a little but more invasive then the band but i think its the right fit for me. They remove about 80 percent of your stomach and with that the hormones that tell you, you are hungry. So i am hoping i made the right decision. I have appointments this Thursday, Friday and Monday so I am sure you will be hearing from me soon. Love ya all

MY head is spinning and no vodka was involved....

WHAT ?? You want to take out how much of my what ? STOP!!!. Lets rewind this show a little huh.
         I am Jim Walters and have struggled with a weight problem since puberty. So no i wasn't one of those 80 lb 4 years old on Maury with a chicken leg in one hand and a cigarette in the other and a mom wondering why I am so big already? It started gradually, i liked chocolate and hated vegetables, its not rocket science. I always wanted to try and lose weight get healthier, start doing things i loved and missed like fitting into rides at the amusement park or going swimming without my shirt on. There was always a deadline. I will make 21 the year i change my life, I am NOT going into my 30's a fattie, I refuse to turn 35 at this size. well I am now 37 and at the biggest I have ever been. Weight loss surgery was always something others had mentioned to me but i considered that failing, come on chubbie just put down the cheeseburger!! And there was NO WAY i wanted to have the saggy left over skin. I would rather be fat then have that i would tell myself, and MEAN it. Well I finally found out that none of this is as easy as i thought it would be or should be. Only took me 24 years to figure this out (and I am suppose to be the smart one on in my family). So now I am 37 years old and get winded from washing my hair or walking from my bed to the bathroom. Something is wrong I have never really had any health problems attached to my weight other then the dreaded SLEEP APNEA, which i was never officially diagnosed with since i refused to go get it checked out. But i never had high blood pressure, cholesterol, diabetes etc. very very lucky. But now i sweat from a big lunch?? Come on!!! Now i am getting scared. My sleep deprivation is getting worse i have to take control of my life. Is it time ? Should i really look into this?? Do i finally give in and realize i need help??? Yes ! its time for weight loss surgery ( dum dum dum ).

 This is me at my starting size 
        Appointment made. 4:30 appointment in Union NJ, ewww pithole area but ok I am sure the office will be better. OH! guess i was wrong there. However these people seem friendly so i can deal with it. Little did i know it was going to be a 2 hour office visit and i would wind up liking these people quite a bit. OK time to be seen, blood pressure and weigh in time yikes !! well BP not bad 140/83 and i am nervous. Weight .. WHAT ??? are you kidding me ? I don't even think I can blog about it yet. but lets just say i thought people this large were trapped in bed wearing bed sheet muumuu's .
       Now the nutrionalist comes down to see me and wants me up stairs.
Are the stairs ok ??
OK for who ? dont you have my chart in front of you i am thinking ?? plus i was just seen this morning for a cat scan for a possible deflated lung (different story and was a false alarm). I will meet you upstairs she tells me.
           So they want to know if i have thought about what kind of surgery I wanted, now I work for a large company that makes a certain stomach band and i just assumed that was what i was going with. However there are 3 different procedures each with different outcomes etc, the doc will tell you more ok later for that. The Nutritionist told me exactly what i already knew , no soda, juice, no late night eating. Also cut back on the fruits and up the veggies, easier said then done for a card carrying veggie hater. We will see how that goes. Now off to see the insurance guru.
          Wow that's a lot of paperwork she has there i was thinking i had to jump through some hoops but i feel like a circus poodle now. I have to have how many tests done? Lets break them down, stress test, vericose duplex, sleep study, blood work, chest x-ray, ekg, attend a seminar, see a psychologist, one hour with a nutritionist, vascular surgery to put an umbrella filter in my vein to prevent clots, anything else ? mm i think i forgot a couple. MAN this has become daunting. Dont these people know i am very large and LAZY, i have struggled for 24 years with this lets just schedule the surgery for this friday huh ?? Well that's a no go since i need to be seen by them for 3-4 months before surgery gets scheduled. This is not an easy process. My head is spinning and i haven't had any cocktails to make me feel this way.
         Well now i see the doctor and she is very nice and warm and i like her. So she starts telling me about the different tests and she thinks the gastric sleeve might be best for me. I say well i was kind of hoping for a low invasive surgery something thats not drastic, what does this sleeve entail?
 Well we remove about 85 % of your stomach, leaving you with a small stomach sleeve.  In case you missed my first word in the blog ..WHAT ??? O.K. i need to attend this seminar but right now i am still thinking the band, she says people with the band only lose about 50 % of their excess body weight ? UMMMMM I am cool with that. But be sure I will let you know what i decide. So my first appointment was yesterday 04/26 and i have made a lot of my other appointments for the next few weeks. Keep you all posted .. Jim - Diary of a fat man.