Thursday, September 15, 2011

The Importance of Being Honest.

     Everyone goes through dark periods in there lives, actually we all good through quite a lot of them but there is always a beacon of light. A source that tells us everything will be alright, we will get through it and prevail. Sometimes its faith, a friend, family or even help from a stranger. In my case it was my doctors. As you may have read I was going through a whiny stage last week and was tired of not feeling "incredible". I have read so many other patients comments about how great they are feeling and even though it was only 4 weeks after surgery I wanted that as well. I had some pains and aches that I just didn't understand. So most people would have made sure they asked their physicians all about it. However I was so tired of being examined i actually thought about just telling my doctors everything was fine and dandy and I felt "incredible". YES! I was going to lie, sue me! Today however I realized just how important it was to be honest with your surgeons. I encourage any patient especially the bariatric patients that maybe following me, if you have a question.. ASK IT!
     My doctors happen to read my blog so she knew what I was going through. To say that going to see my doctor lifted my spirits would be an understatement. They are my beacon through my darkness! She was not concerned with the pains I was having especially since I had no pains unless I was breathing deeply or stretching or lying in a wrong position. This should all go away, all I need is patients. Funny, I think I have heard that before. My incisions have healed beautifully, save for one stray stitch that is sticking out. That however should dissolve OR I am cutting it out lol. All this and the fact that I have lost 90 pounds since I started this journey with them is the reason this group has made me feel great. I leave that office every time feeling like I am special to them and they care deeply for my success. Of course I know that they treat every patient the same way and make everyone that goes to them feel like a rock star.
     Dr. Jack also made me feel confident that I am eating correctly. I was a bit paranoid that I was not getting enough nutrients. The amount of food that I actually eat now is so minimal compared to my ravenous appetite before surgery. It was not uncommon for me to be able to eat a whole pizza pie in a night then have a midnight craving for something else. If I didn't polish of the pie that night, you can guess what was for breakfast the next morning. Now I will make scrambled eggs from one egg and an egg white and can't finish. There is no possible way I can be getting everything I need. Again Dr. Jack squashed my fears and said that was exactly where I should be. Now if she could only do something about the cravings for junk food I am having, LOL. Although Dr. Forrester did tell me if I can get through a few weeks of the cravings they will diminish. Fingers crossed.
     What has diminished though has been my clothing sizes. I tried on shirts that had been in my closet for almost two years with the tags still on and not worn because they were too small. They were a size smaller than I was wearing however they are two sizes smaller than what I should have been wearing. I didnt want to ever go up a size so I just wore what I had even if they were getting to small. Those days are joyously behind me. I am looking forward to going shopping at a store with a name that doesn't start with Big and ... stay tuned.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Buyers Remorse

     Have you ever wanted something so bad and even though it was very expensive or frivolous you needed it, then afterwords think, did I really need that. Buyers remorse.. I am suffering from that a little right now. I am sure this is a phase and perhaps something others have gone through as well. However right now I have to be honest and say I wish I never had the surgery. I know that sounds shocking to people who know me and know just how big and sick I really was from this but I just don't feel as good as I think I should almost 4 weeks after the surgery. Don't get me wrong I know I look better and am healthier already. My sleep apnea is going away and I can walk longer without losing my breath. There are just some things that I didn't expect.
     One of the problems I am having is sharp pains when I yawn or take a good deep breath. There are two specific spots these occur and they have me a little concerned. One of the pains happens in my lower left side of my back roughly where my kidney would be located. Sometimes I think its getting better and then net thing I know the pain is just as sharp as ever. It almost feels like a kidney punch. I was having problems getting enough water into my system until just recently so of course I automatically start thinking there is a kidney problem happening. The other pain is occurring in my lower chest again on my left side. This feels almost like a bruised rib. It hurts with deep breathes, bends, turns or when getting up from a chair. I know I am still healing but shouldn't this all be getting better by now? Fear not my friends for I do have a doctors appointment coming up this week. That however poses another dilemma. Do I tell the doctors about these issues or not?
     What?, you ask!. How could I not tell them? Well to be honest I am so tired of doctors office and hospitals. I just want to feel normal again. I do not want to be examined, poked, pricked, palpated, x-rayed, cat scanned or anything else for that matter for a long long time. I just dealt with over 3 months of constant testing or preparing for a test etc. I just want to be left alone to heal and get healthier. I know that if I tell them and there is no quick automated response like "oh that happens to a lot of people", more testing will be in my future.  I sometimes think that when I lost the 48 pounds pre surgery that I should have just continued on that path. Continued with the meal replacements and started working out more. Perhaps I would have been successful that time, even though I have made that promise to myself many times in the past.
     Eating is something else that has been getting me down. This use to be something I loved doing. It made me feel better, passed the time away and was just a joy. Now every time I eat I have some form of discomfort. From just a extreme full bloated feeling to real pain and nausea. Now I have never thrown anything up since the surgery, quick someone knock wood for me! There is nothing enjoyable about eating anymore. Perhaps that's a good thing since too much of a good thing is never actually good at all and the reason I am in this mess but I would like to be able to enjoy the tiny amount of food i can eat without the pending discomfort. The feeling only really lasts 10-15 minutes and once I start digesting I am at status quo. I do understand that I need to take more time when I eat and I am trying to get a rhythm down so that I know when I have become full before I eat too much.
     I know that I need to be patient and I hope that everything will be better soon. I want to be able to yawn and not fear what is coming. I want to eat a meal and be comfortably satisfied. I will be patient I mean there is nothing else I can do LOL. I can only look forward now and be strong. I will tell my doctors how I am feeling and deal with what comes after but sometimes you feel like whining a little. So that's what I did.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

almost three weeks down and so is the weight.

     Tomorrow, September 7th will be exactly 3 weeks since my surgery date. I can finally scrub my stomach in the shower and get off these scabs and whats left of the Dermabond (skin glue). The healing is under way and I am really not in any kind of pain. For the most part LOL. I am still a little tender on one of my sides especially when i yawn or breath deeply. It almost feels like i have a bruised rib. Was I beaten while I was under?? My stomach still does not look very pretty a few of the incision sites are black and blue and it looks like i was beaten with soap stuffed in a sock. However it does look much worse than it feels. I am at the "soft food" stage of my diet meaning my meals consist of scrambled eggs and tuna fish. I still have a week to go with this and I am already at the point if I don't see another scrambled egg for a year I will be quite alright. The weight however is definitely coming off. I was able to fit into a shirt that was one sizer smaller than I wear(and two sizes smaller than I should have been wearing). God knows I did not want to believe I had gone up a size back in the spring before this whole thing started. As of this morning I am down 80 pounds from my heaviest, pre-surgery and 32 pounds from the surgery date. Of course I think this is all due to the fact that I now eat like an anorexic bird.

     When I first started eating the soft foods, I thought they must have made a mistake and took out more than 85% of my stomach. My first meal consisted of one egg white and one whole egg, scrambled. I was only able to eat about half of it. REALLY?? Before the surgery that would have been topped with cheese and extra bacon and slid into a bagel. Then I would wash that down with another bacon egg and cheese on a bagel. GOD no wonder I got this way. Why didn't someone tell me to eat a salad LOL? For lunch I decided to try the tuna fish. One 5 ounce can mixed with low fat mayo , some salt , pepper, a dash of hot sauce and we are all good. Except I was only able to eat less than half of that can and was so uncomfortably full I had to sit down and relax or I thought I would be sick. There is just no way I am getting enough protein in my diet this way. Not to mention how painful it is to eat past a certain point. Really goes to show that you must take your time eating and make sure not too eat to much at once. By the third day I was able to just about finish the egg and a half but I am still amazed at how little I can physically eat. Add on the fact that I am usually not hungry and I see great success in my future.
     The only dark spot that worries me is that I do feel hungry when I know I am not. I was always an emotional eater. If I was stressed, depressed, worried or even happy food was there for it. I also eat out of boredom. This is what has been rearing its ugly head lately. I have been out of work now since 06/21/11 and sitting at home there is only so much Maury, paternity testing I can watch. I feel myself wanting, craving something to eat, just to have something to do. I am also concerned as to what will happen when stress comes back into my life and I do not turn to food. On top of all that, although this has not been an issue yet, I have to deal with the fact that I am addicted to food. There have been times when I see chocolate out at work and I say I no its not worth it, but the next thing I know I am walking away with a handful and planning on when I can go back and get more. Almost happens against my will. Looks like I wil have to find a way to strengthen my resolve. One thing that does help me control my cravings and desires is when non scale victories happen and I see that I can do this and what joy losing this weight will finally bring back to my life.
     One such victory happened yesterday. For months I had wanted to go to the zoo in Philly. However after looking at the map and seeing how far some of the parking was from the actual park. I realized I would not be able to physically walk it and then the park. However yesterday Gus and I took my two nephews Georgie and Ryan to the zoo. We parked in one of the furthest lots from the entrance. In a very "special" part of Philly too. I mean I thought I left the hood years ago and hear we were right back in it, with a bum asking us for change for the bus and everything. Now we didn't see the entire park and I was quite wiped out by the time we left but we all had a great time and I got some much needed walking done. It was an excellent day and I was proud of myself, something that hasn't happened very often in the past ten years or so. One of my souvenirs fro the trip was a T shirt Gus bought. It was the largest size they had and of course I knew i could not wear a 3X yet but it was a goal. I tried it on this morning and although I could never wear it out of the house I WAS able to actually get it on. Bring it baby!! I will be wearing it by Thanksgiving.